Tulip's Tales
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Why Am I Here?
Why am I here and what is this place? Where is this place? What time is it? I have to pee. I'm so dumb! Why did I go so close to the van? Why didn't I kick harder or scream louder? Because my face was being ground into the mud and dirt on the carpet, while he punched me repeatedly. He said he would kill me if I so much as opened my eyes. I kept them shut tight. Why didn't I just pause and turn toward my car instead of allowing him to lead me by the elbow? Why didn't I try to flee sooner?
Have you felt fear? Have you experienced that bone chilling moment when you know that you screwed up? When your stomach crawls up into your throat and all the hairs on your body raise as you frantically begin to try to figure a way out of the situation?
When I was about 10, I was at a little country fair with my grandparents. There was a midway and livestock area, as well as the ladies' events of baked goods and homemade items. I was given a few dollars to spend on the midway. I found this ride that went around but didn't go off the ground - the cars sort of swooped toward each other and looked like they would cross, when in fact they safely passed and the ride continued on. The scruffy man who operated the ride let me have extra turns. After a few times, he told me not to worry about tickets. It was kind of weird but who cared? My grandma was in the fair part, trying to win prizes with her jams and pies and doughnuts, my grampa was checking out the tractors, and I had a lot of time to kill with not a lot of money. After a few more turns, the man said the ride needed a break and he put a closed sign on the gate. As I turned away, he called me to come over to him. He asked if I liked the free rides - oh, yes very much! He said nothing in life is free and could I pay him back? The way he looked at me started a feeling in my stomach; a sick bubbling feeling that started slowly oozing its way up my esophagus. I asked if he wanted to go see my grandma's stuff and then maybe I could get some money from her, but he grabbed my hand and said he just wanted me to go over there with him for a bit. I had no idea where over there was but I knew I shouldn't even start to go there; I had a flash of what could happen if I went with him. In a moment of flight or fight, I pulled him toward the arena door, loudly announcing all the things we would see inside. I eventually found my grandma, introduced the 'nice ride man' and sat down firmly beside her. I did not leave her side the remainder of the day. I didn't get raped or assaulted or killed. Survival of the smartest or luck that I was in a common area and had opportunity to get help? One will never know.
I survived that, I can survive this, but what is this? After dragging me into the van, throwing me down and kneeling on me to get across to the driver's seat, bashing and threatening me into submission, he drove around. He eventually settled down and quit hitting and swearing at me, but he never took his meaty hand off the back of my neck, asserting himself over me.
I had always thought of myself as cocky and never worried about a situation like this. I felt I would just lose my freakin' mind, come unglued and freak out on the whoever tried anything with me and that I would win. How stupid I had been.
He stopped at a fast food place, telling me to move further into the back and that if I made any dumb moves, he would kill me. He showed me a hunting knife he had in his boot and something in his tone made me know he wouldn't hesitate to use it.
When we eventually arrived at our destination, it was dark outside. He put the keys in his pocket and twisted his girth around in the seat, and told me to sit up toward the back of the van. I did so and was rewarded with my wrists, eyes and mouth being bound with duct tape. He roughly pushed me out of the van and hooked his hand up through my arm and into the hair at the back of my neck. We walked down a few steps before I heard open a door and he directed me through. I heard another door open and felt myself being led down creaky steps. It smelled damp and almost as fetid as the man. I heard him fumble with something, maybe a lock or latch, and then I was pushed and fell to the ground.
Have you felt fear? Have you experienced that bone chilling moment when you know that you screwed up? When your stomach crawls up into your throat and all the hairs on your body raise as you frantically begin to try to figure a way out of the situation?
When I was about 10, I was at a little country fair with my grandparents. There was a midway and livestock area, as well as the ladies' events of baked goods and homemade items. I was given a few dollars to spend on the midway. I found this ride that went around but didn't go off the ground - the cars sort of swooped toward each other and looked like they would cross, when in fact they safely passed and the ride continued on. The scruffy man who operated the ride let me have extra turns. After a few times, he told me not to worry about tickets. It was kind of weird but who cared? My grandma was in the fair part, trying to win prizes with her jams and pies and doughnuts, my grampa was checking out the tractors, and I had a lot of time to kill with not a lot of money. After a few more turns, the man said the ride needed a break and he put a closed sign on the gate. As I turned away, he called me to come over to him. He asked if I liked the free rides - oh, yes very much! He said nothing in life is free and could I pay him back? The way he looked at me started a feeling in my stomach; a sick bubbling feeling that started slowly oozing its way up my esophagus. I asked if he wanted to go see my grandma's stuff and then maybe I could get some money from her, but he grabbed my hand and said he just wanted me to go over there with him for a bit. I had no idea where over there was but I knew I shouldn't even start to go there; I had a flash of what could happen if I went with him. In a moment of flight or fight, I pulled him toward the arena door, loudly announcing all the things we would see inside. I eventually found my grandma, introduced the 'nice ride man' and sat down firmly beside her. I did not leave her side the remainder of the day. I didn't get raped or assaulted or killed. Survival of the smartest or luck that I was in a common area and had opportunity to get help? One will never know.
I survived that, I can survive this, but what is this? After dragging me into the van, throwing me down and kneeling on me to get across to the driver's seat, bashing and threatening me into submission, he drove around. He eventually settled down and quit hitting and swearing at me, but he never took his meaty hand off the back of my neck, asserting himself over me.
I had always thought of myself as cocky and never worried about a situation like this. I felt I would just lose my freakin' mind, come unglued and freak out on the whoever tried anything with me and that I would win. How stupid I had been.
He stopped at a fast food place, telling me to move further into the back and that if I made any dumb moves, he would kill me. He showed me a hunting knife he had in his boot and something in his tone made me know he wouldn't hesitate to use it.
When we eventually arrived at our destination, it was dark outside. He put the keys in his pocket and twisted his girth around in the seat, and told me to sit up toward the back of the van. I did so and was rewarded with my wrists, eyes and mouth being bound with duct tape. He roughly pushed me out of the van and hooked his hand up through my arm and into the hair at the back of my neck. We walked down a few steps before I heard open a door and he directed me through. I heard another door open and felt myself being led down creaky steps. It smelled damp and almost as fetid as the man. I heard him fumble with something, maybe a lock or latch, and then I was pushed and fell to the ground.
posted by Tuliptwy at 8:19 PM
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